Bird Jokes! (3 Viewers)

[dantheman]

Another one to try and redress the balance . . .

Last week I was out birding with my good friend Ed Cook down in Extremedura. He’d never been before, and we were hoping to catch up with some of the goodies to be found in the region.

Ed isn’t a great birder, but boy is he enthusiastic . . . he was ‘oohing’ and ‘aahing’ all morning as we found one after the other of the region’s specialities. Didn’t matter if they were as cryptic as the Short-toed Larks scattered amongst a dry stony field, or as startling as the Black-bellied Sandgrouse covey which suddenly flew up from a small pool.

Take the Sandgrouse. ‘Aaah’ he exclaims as he watches them disappear off into the distance ‘Aren’t they just amazing?’

The day was wearing on and there was still one bird left that we hadn’t seen. We’d nearly given up hope, when suddenly I spot a pair of likely candidates not far away between some scrubby bushes. . . Ed had my scope at this point, I tell him to get onto them quick. He has a quick look, and pretty chuffed, turns to congratulate me in typical fashion;

‘Great Spot’ Ed Cook oohs . . .

Sorted. :t:

 

[hilsbirdwing]

Have you noticed that you always see terns in twos?


It's because one good tern deserves another....

|;|

 

[Gashead]

A canada goose waddles into a pub in London, sits at the bar and orders a pint of lager.

A few minutes later a ruddy duck walks in and sits next to the goose and orders a pint of bitter.

The barman looks at the birds and says 'Have you two been introduced?'.

 

[Chewbaxter]

Have you noticed that you always see terns in twos?


It's because one good tern deserves another....

|;|

That is terrible - but I love it!

:t:

Okay... not a 'joke' as such... but an observation... in one of the hides at Martin Mere today... and there's me and every other b*gger looking far, far away at the wee birdies on the water...

And in comes Mam with wee babby... and starts all the "ssh" business:
"You have to be quiet" her says... "the birds'll hear you"

And do you know... I looked across and noticed there was a Lapwing with FBI style stereophonic surveillance equipment - and indeed - he could hear every word... each singular throaty cough, rasp and sniffle... and...

Ahem... what I'm on about is the old "You'll frighten the fish" stuff - how the HELL would the birds have heard us?

Unless it was a thinly veiled about to shut yon child up... either way, didn't work!

:t:

N.

 

[Jack Daw]

There was a slim hope it would stay clean and respectabill . . .

Since it isn't, there's also that one about a Stork and a man going into a bar or something? Fortunately I don't think I can remember it . . .

(Actually don't think that one was smutty. Probably not funny eider).

In the version I heard a flamingo, a sports car and a genie were involved ------- but the conclusion is far to impolite for a public forum!!!!!!!!!
Regards Jack

 

[Thing]

A canada goose waddles into a pub in London, sits at the bar and orders a pint of lager.

A few minutes later a ruddy duck walks in and sits next to the goose and orders a pint of bitter.

The barman looks at the birds and says 'Have you two been introduced?'.

:-O

 

[Stranger]

Someone broke into the zoo last night and threw all the Pengiuns into the Lions cage.
The Lions did`nt eat them though.
They could`nt get the silver paper off

 

[Chewbaxter]

Someone broke into the zoo last night and threw all the Pengiuns into the Lions cage.
The Lions did`nt eat them though.
They could`nt get the silver paper off

:t: A good one... that reminds me a bit of this BAD one...


What about when all them poor Goldfinches were found dead... right next to some Chimpanzees (also quite dead) who'd been stung whilst squashing a load of bees for their own amusement?

And the sneaky zookeeper - thought he'd save money on food by chucking the lot in to the lions.

The reaction?

One Lion chuffed to bits:

"Whayhey lads..." says he "Look what's for dinner - Finch, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"

:king:

N.

 

[pianoman]

Bill and Jim are looking for a Lesser Spotted Woodpecker in a wood. They hear some strange sounds beyond a group of trees and Jim goes for a look. To his surprise, he comes across a party of nudists having a picnic.
He goes back to his friend with a strange look on his face.
"Did you get a woodpecker Jim?" asks Bill?
"No, but I got a Hornbill"


And to bring the tone back up very slightly (I'm just trying to get more species in):

Why did the Razorbill raise her bill?
To let the Sea Urchin see her chin.

 

[Jack Daw]

Picture the scene
There's a wood and one day a small tree starts to grow between two large oak trees
One oak tree says to the other
'Is that small tree a beech or a birch?
The other oak tree shrugs and says I don't know I will ask my friend the woodpecker'
The woodpecker comes along and alights in the small tree and immediately starts to take bits off the small tree put them in a roll up and starts to have a smoke
The big oak tree says; 'well Woody is it a Beech or Birch '
The woodpecker turns round and says in a very hippy voice
'Naah man it's the best ash I have ever smoked.
Regards Jack

 

[pianoman]

A canada goose waddles into a pub in London, sits at the bar and orders a pint of lager.

A few minutes later a ruddy duck walks in and sits next to the goose and orders a pint of bitter.

The barman looks at the birds and says 'Have you two been introduced?'.

I missed that one - very good Gashead. Have a feeling it's original work too.

 

[steve west]

I missed that one - very good Gashead. Have a feeling it's original work too.

Gets thumbs up from me too!

Steve
http://www.BirdingInSpain.com

 

[Kat]

A Sylvia warbler walks into a pub, the barman turns round to it and says, "you're Barred"

 

[dantheman]

A wader goes in to the doctor's surgery. The doctor asks his patient 'So what's up with you then?'

The wader replies; 'I just feel run down with this terrible flu; my head aches, my body aches, I feel awful, I just want to get better. .'

'Mmmm' the doctor replies. 'You do look a bit Ruff.'

 

[Chewbaxter]

A friend of mine kept chickens... and the poor things just wouldn't lay... so he thought, "Maybe they could get in touch with other chickens through an internet forum... so they could chat and maybe that would help".

This went amazingly well... all the chickens embraced this technology and were lovin' it big style... so then he decided to post to the forum a "meet up" - and this got loads of replies... numerous chickens all saying that they'd be there at a pub, for the get together.

The night came - my friend had laid on (pun intended) loads of food... there were drinks a-plenty... the 'karaoke' machine was good to go with stuff like "Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep" and "The Birdie Song" all ready and...

and...

Not ONE chicken turned up.

Alas... the poor feller for all his efforts simply couldn't make hens meet!



Ah come on... it was worth ploughing through all that for such a geat punchline - wasn't it?

Here - don't take a vote on it(!)

Neil.

 

[dantheman]

Alas... the poor feller for all his efforts simply couldn't make hens meet!



Ah come on... it was worth ploughing through all that for such a geat punchline - wasn't it?

Got my vote . . . :t:

Don't worry about the length, I've got a couple of essays lined up, possibly for some other time . . meanwhile enjoying them all.

Here's an oldie word play one (possibly a few people left in the universe not heard it??);

Why did the Owl 'owl??

Because the Woodpecker would peck her.

How do we know?

Because the tortoise taught us . . . .

 

[Chewbaxter]

Because the tortoise taught us . . . .

Aha - if we're branching away from birds in the aid of wordplay... then I'll go with this...

The difference between a Weasel and a Stoat?
One is Weasley recognised... the other is Stoatally different!



Ahem... as to any 'essay' jokes - yes... please post... I love jokes, no matter how log/short/cr*p etc. - all good stuff: :t:

Anyhow - can't leave without a 'bird' joke...

Here goes - don't hold yer breath:

What do you call a Chicken in a shell suit?
An egg!



N.

 

[Helsinki Birder]

A farmer buys a new rooster as his current one is getting on in years.
When the new rooster arrives the old rooster walks up to him and says "well this farmyard aint big enough for the both of us boy"

The new rooster, being young and fit is unafraid of the old rooster and readies himself for a fight.

"No.No." says the old rooster "There will be no fighting. But I will race you for control of the farmyard. 10 times around the chicken coop. First one across the line is the winner....however to make things fair....you have to give me one lap headstart...because im alot older than you."

The young rooster looks him up and down, and thinking himself an easy winner, agrees to the headstart.

The elderly rooster completes his first lap and soon finds the young rooster hot on his heels, chasing him down. Suddenly a shot rings out and the young rooster explodes in a cloud of feathers, leaving pieces everywhere.

The farmer, standing in the yard with his shotgun, exclaims in disbelief

"Damn it thats the 3rd gay rooster this month!!"

 

[Hauki]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never!" replies Dave.
"Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"Dave, wake up, you've SH*T the bed!!!!

 

[Thing]

A wader goes in to the doctor's surgery. The doctor asks his patient 'So what's up with you then?'

The wader replies; 'I just feel run down with this terrible flu; my head aches, my body aches, I feel awful, I just want to get better. .'

'Mmmm' the doctor replies. 'You do look a bit Ruff.'

:-O